Wednesday, March 4, 2020

The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Democratic Candidates





Joe Biden




Birthplace: Middle Class, Swing State, USA

Electoral Strategy: Inertia

Greatest Liability: Prone to speaking publicly

Anticipated VP Pick: Stacey Abrams or the other one

Position On Iraq War: All of them

Campaign Bus: Desegregated during middle of 2008 run

Biggest Endorsement: “Hi, you’ve reached Barack’s voicemail”

Number Of Accusations Of Acting Inappropriately Toward Women And Girls: Butter pecan, with mint chocolate chip a very close second

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