Tuesday, August 6, 2019

Borscht Humor

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada. -David Steinberg

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays. -Henny Youngman

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast - beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one. -Mel Brooks

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish. -Jules Farber

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be a goy even if you are Jewish. -Lenny Bruce

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. -Calvin Trillin

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil! -Golda Meir

Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother. -Peter Malkin

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. -Benjamin Disraeli

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. -Sam Levenson

Don't be humble; you are not that great. -Golda Meir

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks. -Joe E. Lewis

A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. -Sam Goldwyn

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something. -Jackie Mason

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. -Woody Allen

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution? -Groucho Marx

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. -Groucho Marx

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it. - Oscar Levant

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair. -George Burns

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. -Milton Berle

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs. -Sam Goldwyn

Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. -Ernie Kovacs

With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink. -George Burns

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault. -Henry Kissinger

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