Saturday, May 11, 2019

TheList 4994 Mother's Day Edition

The List 4994 TGB
To All,
This edition is devoted to the Mothers out there. I hope you all have a wonderful Mother's day.
Thanks to Al…..A number of Mother's day items That are my favorites from over the years
Written by Erma Bombeck:
     By the time the Lord made mothers, he was into his sixth day of
working overtime. An Angel appeared and said "Why are you spending so much
time on this one"? And the Lord answered and said, "Have you seen the spec
sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic; have 200
movable parts, all replaceable; run on black coffee and leftovers; have a
lap that can hold three children at one time and that disappears when she
stands up; have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a
broken heart, and have six pairs of hands."
     The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one. "Six pairs
of hands! No Way!" said the Angel.
     The Lord replied, "Oh, it's not the hands that are the problem. It's
the three pairs of eyes that mothers must have!"
     "And that's just on the standard model?" The Angel asked.
     The Lord nodded in agreement, "Yes, one pair of eyes are to see
through the closed door as she asks her children what they are doing even
though she already knows. Another pair in the back of her head is to see
what she needs to know even though no one thinks she can. And the third
pair is here in the front of her head. They are for looking at an errant
child and saying that she understands and loves him or her without even
saying a single word."
     The Angel tried to stop the Lord. "This is too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."
     "But I can't!" the Lord protested, "I am so close to finishing this
creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when
she is sick AND can feed a family of six on a pound of hamburger and can
get a nine year old to stand in the shower."
     The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, "But you have made her
so soft, Lord."
     "Yes, she is soft", the Lord agreed, "But I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
     "Will she be able to think?" asked the inquisitive Angel.
     The Lord smiled and replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she
will be able to reason, and negotiate."
     The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the
woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model. I told
you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
     "That's not a leak." The Lord objected. "That is a tear!"
     "What's the tear for?" the Angel asked.
     The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow,
her disappointment, her pain, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride."
     The Angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of
everything! Truly, You do all things well... Moms are truly amazing!"
What Moms Really Want For Mother's Day
To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any
"floaties" (i.e., backwash).
To have her 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes
in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.
Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty pounds to her figure.
A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!"
just as she puts a razor to her ankle.
A full time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt.
For her teenager to announce, "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job
all in the same day!"
A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the
checkout line.
To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.
To be able to step on a plane with their toddlers and NOT have someone
moan, "Oh no! Why me?!?"
To occasionally get to sleep late on the weekend. I mean is this too much
to ask?
To actually carry on a normal phone conversation with her toddler in the
SAME room.
To actually be able to finish a HOT cup of coffee while her kids are
present. An impossible feat!
To take a hot bath without her toddler suddenly screaming, "Mommy, I have
to go potty!" as soon as she hits the water.
These familiar saying have somehow been handed down from mother to daughter
right through the ages. How many of these did you grow up with?
Who do you think you are?
Ask your father (closely followed by "Ask your Mother") Bored! How can you
be bored? I was never bored at your age.
I'll treat you like an adult when you start acting like an adult!
Look at me when I'm talking to you.
Don't you roll your eyes at me!
Don't pick it, it'll get infected.
I don't care if "insert child's name here" Mom said yes.
You'll put your eye out with that thing!
I'm going to give you to the count to three.
Don't put that thing in your mouth; you don't know where it's been.
Wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident and have to go to
Don't cross your eyes like that, one day they'll freeze that way I don't
care who started it, I'll finish it!
Don't EVER let me catch you doing that again!
Why? Because I SAID SO, that's why!?!
If such and such jumped off a cliff, would you jump too?
If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll...
Your father is going to hear about THIS when he gets home!
If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
How many times do I have to tell you, don't throw things in the house!
Do you think your clothes are going to pick themselves up?
"I don't know" is NOT an answer!
I know it's not fair. Life isn't fair.
Real Mothers…
Don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.
Know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Know that dried PlayDough doesn't come out of shag carpets.
Don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says,
"Because I love you best".
Know that a child's growth is not measure by height or years or grade…it is
marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.
Submitted by Henry Donselman:
Mother's Day…
If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands?
Personally, I think today's kids ought to do something really special for
their Mothers on Mother's Day -- like move out!
Hey guys -- looking for a great gift for your Mother-in-Law on Mother's
Day? Why not send her back her daughter???
A single Mom was asked by a friend what her son was taking in college. With
a sigh she replied, "Everything I have."
Fathers -- take heart, your day is coming, and you can be sure of getting
at least one thing -- the bills from Mother's Day.
Most Mothers are always amazed when their sons/daughters marry a person
with much lower mental capacity, ambition and moral standards, yet still
manage to have utterly brilliant children.
Mothers come in all shapes and sizes. For example, an Italian Mother might
chastise her offspring for not eating by saying, "Eat your dinner, or I'll
kill you." A Jewish Mother on the other hand would say, "Eat your dinner,
or I'll kill myself."
A daughter broke-up with her boyfriend. She asked her Mother's advice about
returning the gifts he'd given her. Without a pause, her Mother replied,
"Send back the stuffed animals and letters, but keep the jewelry for
sentimental reasons."
What did God say after creating man?   I can do better.
     A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later on Mother's Day, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
     Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Submitted by Paul Ferrara:
(This could also be just about any ethnicity, yet my friend submitted it as
Jewish mothers so that is how I present it.)
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese
food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WonTon
spelled backwards is Not Now.
There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish
tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from
medical school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes".
Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's
When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came
back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."
A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food
if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a
part in the school play.  "Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a
speaking part."
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q - How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - (sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark, I don't want to be a
nuisance to anybody.
Short summary of every Jewish holiday as told by Mom: They tried to kill
us, we won, let's eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street
and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."
Submitted by Diane Laos and Alan Krause Jr:
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term team players needed for challenging permanent
work in an often chaotic environment.  Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing to work various
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts
on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway
cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed.  Extensive courier duties also
RESPONSIBILITIES: This is for the rest of your life.  Must be willing to be
hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be
willing to bite tongue repeatedly.  Also, must possess the physical stamina
of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just
crying wolf.  Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
zippers.  Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects.  Must have ability to plan and
organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap,
plastic toys and battery operated devices.  Must always hope for the best
but be prepared for the worst.  Must assume final, complete accountability
for the quality of the end product.  Responsibilities also include floor
maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills so those in your charge can
ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training
offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that
college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you
give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary
scheme is you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job
supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life
if you play your cards right.
This is for all the mothers…
Who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf
laced with Kraft Dinner and wieners, birthday cake, and cherry Kool-Aid
saying, "It's OK honey, Mommy's here."
Who have walked around the house all night with their babies when they kept
crying and wouldn't stop.
Who have shown up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on
their blouses and diapers in their purses
Who have run carpools and made dozens of cookies for school teas and sewn
Halloween costumes.
Who HAVEN'T because they're at work trying to keep on top of the bills.
Who gave birth to babies they'll never see
Who took those babies and gave them homes and all their love.
Who have frozen their buns off in bleachers at hockey, baseball or soccer
games any night of the week instead of watching from their cars, so that
when their kids asked, "Did you see me?" they could say, "Of course, I
wouldn't have missed it for the world," and meant it.
Who have yelled at their kids in the grocery store and swatted them in
despair when they stomped their feet like a tired 2-year old does, who
wants ice cream before dinner, and then hated themselves for "losing" it.
Who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies.
Who wanted to but just couldn't.
Who read "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for a year.  And then read it
again. "Just one more time."
Who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started school.
Who opted for Velcro instead.
Who taught their sons to cook and sew and their daughters to be brave and
strong (and sink a jump shot).
Whose heads turn automatically when a little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd,
even though they know their own offspring are at home or grown up.
Who sent their kids to school with stomach aches, assuring them they'd be
just FINE once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an
hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away. And they do.
Whose children have gone astray, and who can't find the words to reach them.
Who bite their lips sometimes until  they bleed when their 14-year old dyes
their hair green.
What makes a good Mother anyway?
Is it patience?
Broad hips?
The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all
at the same time?
Or is it the heart?
Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down
the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?
Or the terror in your heart at 1 AM when your teenager with the new
driver's license is an hour late getting home.
The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2A.M. to
put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?
Or to feel the dull ache as you look in on your sleeping daughter or son
the night before they leave for a college in another city.
The need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear
news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?
This is for all the mothers…
Of the victims of all the school shootings, and the mothers of those who
did the shooting.
Of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror,
hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.
Who have tearfully placed flowers and teddy bears on their children's
Whose children have died from illness, accidents and the worst of all and
hardest to comprehend, suicides.
Stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation.
Who have learned and are still learning, to let go.
This is for working mothers and stay-at-home mothers. Single mothers and
married mothers. Grandmothers whose wisdom and love remains a constant for
their grown children and their children's children.
Submitted by Norm Rech:

The Mom Test
     I was out walking with my four-year-old daughter.  She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.  I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
     "Why?" my daughter asked.
     "Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been; it's dirty; and it probably has germs," I replied.
     At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mom, how do you know all this stuff?  You are so smart."
     I was thinking quickly and replied, "All moms know this stuff.  It's on the Mom Test.  You have to know it, or they don't let you be a mom."
     We walked along in silence for two or three minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.  "Oh…I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad."
     "Exactly," I replied with a big smile on my face.

Submitted by Skip Leonard:

     Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."
     She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
     She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.
     She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.  She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the excursion and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.  She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her bag.
     Mom then washed her face with 3-in-1 cleanser, put on her night solution and age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth.
     Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."
     "I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and radios, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
     In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her six most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.
     About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. "I'm going to bed." And he did...without another thought.
     Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer?  'Cause they are made for the long haul...(and they can't die sooner, they still have things to do!!!!)
     Women are so special!  God's very own creation!

     A baby was about to be born, the child asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"
     "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."
     The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."
     God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."
     Again the child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"
     God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach how to speak."
     "And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"
     God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray."
     "Who will protect me?"
     God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its own life."
     "But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."
     God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about me and will teach you the way to come back to me, even though I will always be next to you."
     At that moment there was much peace in heaven, but voices from earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."
     "You will simply call her 'MOM.'"

God's Message to Women
     When I created the heavens and the earth, I spoke them into being. When I created man, I formed him and breathed life into his nostrils. But you, woman, I fashioned after I breathed the breath of life into man because your nostrils are too delicate. I allowed a deep sleep to come over him so I could patiently and perfectly fashion you.
     Man was put to sleep so that he could not interfere with the creativity. From one bone I fashioned you. I chose the bone that protects man's life. I chose the rib, which protects his heart and lungs and supports him, as you are meant to do. Around this one bone I shaped you. I modeled you. I created you perfectly and beautifully.
     Your characteristics are as the rib, strong yet delicate and fragile. You provide protection for the most delicate organ in man, his heart. His heart is the center of his being; his lungs hold the breath of life.
     The rib cage will allow itself to be broken before it will allow damage to the heart. Support man as the rib cage supports the body. You were not taken from his feet, to be under him, nor were you taken from his head, to be above him. You were taken from his side, to stand beside him and be held close to his side.
     You are my perfect angel, my beautiful little girl. You have grown to be a splendid woman of excellence, and my eyes fill when I see the virtues in your heart. Your eyes are beautiful. Your lips, how lovely when they part in prayer. Your nose, so perfect in form, your hands so gentle to touch. I've caressed your face in your deepest sleep; I've held your heart close to mine. Of all that lives and breathes, you are the most like me. Adam walked with me in the cool of the day and yet he was lonely. He could not see me or touch me. He could only feel me. So everything I wanted Adam to share and experience with me, I fashioned in you: my holiness, my strength, my purity, my love, my protection and support.
     You are special because you are the extension of me. Man represents my image--Woman, my emotions. Together, you represent the totality of God.
     So man, treat woman well. Love her, respect her, for she is fragile. In hurting her, you hurt me. What you do to her, you do to me. In hurting her, you only damage your own heart, the heart of your Father, and the heart of her Father.
     Woman, support man. In humility, show him the power of emotion I have given you. In gentle quietness show your strength. In love, show him that you are the rib that protects his inner self.

Be thankful for all the women in your life—not just mothers, but grandmothers, aunts, sisters, cousins, etc. 
Don't forget Mother's Day on Sunday!!!!!!   (that is tomorrow!!)

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