Wednesday, December 12, 2018

TheList 4879

The List 4879     TGB

To All,
I hope that your week has started well.
This day in Naval History
Dec. 11
1863—During the Civil War, the iron-clad river gunboat Carondelet fires upon Confederate troops that are firing upon iron-clad river gunboat Indianola, which had been stuck on a bar in the Mississippi River since earlier that year and had not yet been freed. The effective counter-fire by Carondelet drives off the Confederates.
1865—Secretary of the Navy Gideon Welles writes to Secretary of State William H. Seward, complaining of the action of the British government in releasing the officers and crew of CSS Shenandoah.
1941—The Wake Island Garrison under Cmdr. Winfield Cunningham repulses the Japanese invasion force with shore battery fire that sink Japanese destroyer Hayate while Marine F4Fs sink destroyer Kisaragi.
1943—The U.S. Navy dispatches vessels to help the U.S. collier Suffolk, which is foundering and eventually sinks in a storm.
1944—USS Gar (SS 206) lands 35 tons of supplies at Darigayos Inlet on the west coast of Luzon and picks up secret intelligence documents. Also on this date, USS Sea Owl (SS 405) sinks Japanese auxiliary submarine chaser Cha 76 in the East China Sea.
1954—The first "supercarrier" USS Forrestal (CVA 59) is launched. 
Thanks to CHINFO
Executive Summary:
Dominating today's national news headlines multiple outlets are reporting that a 30-year-old Russian gun rights activist accused of developing a covert influence operation in the United States has agreed to plead guilty to conspiracy and will cooperate with authorities in ongoing investigations. The Combined Integrated Air and Missile Defense Trainer was opened on Dec. 6 on Naval base San Diego as part of an effort to address emerging threats and keep up with advances in Integrated Air and Missile Defense technology. "This trainer allows us to continue to create a culture of excellence within the Surface Force," said Vice Adm. Rich Brown. The future USS Michael Monsoor arrived in San Diego on Dec. 7 reports USNI News. Additionally, Defense Daily reports that the future USS Billings finished acceptance trials in Lake Michigan.

Today in History December 11
James II abdicates the throne because of William of Orange landing in England.
Indiana is admitted to the Union as the 19th state.
A raging fire sweeps the business district of Charleston, South Carolina, adding to an already depressed economic state.
Union General Ambrose Burnside occupies Fredericksburg and prepares to attack the Confederates under Robert E. Lee.
Union gunboats Restless, Bloomer and Caroline enter St. Andrew's Bay, Fla., and begin bombardment of both Confederate quarters and saltworks.
A production of Gilbert and Sullivan's Iolanthe at Boston's Bijou Theatre becomes the first performance in a theatre lit by incandescent electric lights.
Nearly 400 world leaders sign a letter to President Calvin Coolidge asking the United States to join the World Court.
As the economic crisis grows, the Bank of the United States closes its doors.
Reports say Paraguay has captured 11,000 Bolivians in the war over Chaco.
Britain's King Edward VIII abdicates the throne to marry American Wallis Warfield Simpson.
The United States declares war on Italy and Germany.
U.S. Secretary of State Cordell Hull demands that Hungary, Romania and Bulgaria withdraw from the war.
A Boeing B-29 Superfortress shatters all records by crossing the United States in five hours and 27 minutes.
Joe DiMaggio announces his retirement from baseball.
Israel raids Syrian positions on the Sea of Galilee.
Frank Sinatra, Jr., is returned home to his parents after being kidnapped for the ransom amount of $240,000.
The Concorde, a joint British-French venture and the world's first supersonic airliner, is unveiled in Toulouse, France.
Challenger, the lunar lander for Apollo 17, touches down on the moon's surface, the last time that men visit the moon.
Massive demonstrations take place in Tehran against the shah.
Military forces in El Salvador kill over 800 civilians in what is known as the El Mozote massacre during the Salvadoran Civil War.
The Kyoto Protocol international treaty intended to reduce emissions of greenhouse gasses, opens for signature.
People's Republic of China joins the World Trade Organization.
Cronulla riots begin in Cronulla, a suburb of Sydney, New South Wales, Australia.
President of Mexico Felipe Calderon launches a military-led offensive against drug cartel violence in the state of Michoacan.
Bernard "Bernie" Madoff arrested and charged with securities fraud in what was called a $50-billion Ponzi scheme.
In commemoration of Capt. Eugene A. Cernan's walk on the moon 46 years ago, this week's Webpage of the Week is the Navy's role in space exploration ( 
How Did We Get Here ??
thanks to Doctor Rich   This is a great read
Not a clue who Mr. Ross is, but thought you'd enjoy his perceptive observations!!
I (Mr. Ross) had the privilege to be invited to a small private luncheon of a group of about 15 very smart, sophisticated people consisting of professors, one of whom was a professed liberal at a well-known very left college, CEO's of hedge and PE funds, two well-known authors, and some very senior businessmen. There were 2 prominent women at lunch. It was very much like the salons of Gertrude Stein in Paris in the early 1900's. The topic was, how did we get here, where the "Progressives" control campuses, and where free speech is under attack. Nobody has a definitive answer, but here are some of my personal conclusions based on a very lively 2 hour, free-wheeling discussion. It is not meant to represent the conclusion of the group, as there was no set conclusion when lunch ended. Just a lot of fascinating thoughts put forth.
How Did We Get Here - A History of 90 Years Of Evolution and Revolution
The depression began to unfold in 1929. After 16 years of economic depression and world war, mass murder of the holocaust, the rise of the Soviet Union and start of the cold war, and then Korea, the US needed calm, predictability, and good order, democratic government, and a belief system of strength, and stability. Women still had few rights, and were assigned to be at home raising kids who were delayed due to men being off to war. White male Protestants controlled the power. Jews were discriminated against. Blacks were still oppressed. Eisenhower, the hero general, became president. Harry Truman drove himself and his wife home to Missouri in his own car.
The result was, tens of millions of people just wanted to recapture normal life, have a family, a home, a civilian job, and the opportunity to succeed. So, in the fifties we had the organization man, who was the buttoned up, suit wearing, married man, who was in charge. Divorce was considered a bad stain on your life. School taught pride in America, work hard, play by the rules, and you have the opportunity to succeed and become wealthy, or at least lead the life you dreamed of when at war. You are responsible for your own success or failure. The government is not there to take care of you, or give you money.  We were taught the Soviets wanted to drop A bombs on us.
My class of 1962 was the last of that generation on campus. 1963 is when campus protests began in earnest. Then came the revolt against the stable, inhibited social mores and power structure. Vietnam, the sexual revolution, drugs, civil rights laws, the free speech movements on campus, and finally the Democratic convention riots, and Martin Luther King and his movement, and the Kennedy assassination. In total, it was a rising up of all of the groups who had been suppressed. It also coincided with a huge wave of the next generation of college students, none of whom had experienced growing up with war or depression. As an outgrowth, we had campus riots, Woodstock, drugs, and terror groups like the Weathermen, Symbionese Liberation Army and people determined to stage a revolution against what had been a well-defined and white male, Protestant controlled society.  Various groups took out their frustrations at the constrained and rules based society we had, which still had been discriminating against women, blacks, and Jews. The seventies was the high point of all these movements, and the violence we experienced. Things then calmed down considerably, and society began to change, with all of the suppressed groups now moving ahead, and women moving into the workplace and positions of power. Hilary Clinton, as much as many of us might despise her, was the de facto leader of showing that women can even run for president. Blacks expressed their frustration by staging huge riots and destroying what they perceived as "Whitey" owned stores and property. Albert Shankar, in New York, created the teachers union, and the city caved after the teacher strikes, and today the teachers unions control schools across the country, and the result is we have the failed education system, and unsustainable teachers' pension liabilities. They also control many Democratic politicians with their massive contributions. Compare that to the fifties.
Over time,  those kids from the sixties and seventies who protested, rioted and revolted, got into positions of power on campus. They became professors, and administrators. They brought along their outrage from when they were younger, but now they had power, and the ability to influence the next generation Those people now run the universities, and their students and children are now the professors, high school and elementary school teachers, senior reporters, and in many cases, politicians in control of large cities, judgeships, and previously of Congress and the White House. The civil rights laws of the Johnson era provided the legal structure under which Progressives could then pursue what they perceived as continuing grievances, and they had the liberal judges on the bench, especially in the ninth circuit, and for a period on the Supreme Court, to rule in their favor. Most importantly they had control of universities, and from there, the ability to influence the thinking of the next generation to their way of thinking. Combine this with the kids who grew up in elite households with helicopter parents who wanted their kids to never have to really be in need for anything. The kids were taught they were really smart and had elite rights, and a right to be in control when they grew up. Working hard and sacrificing to get wealth and power was no longer the mantra, which many of us grew up with in the fifties. Taking responsibility for one's own success went away. Now it was all given to the kids. There was no more competition because someone has to lose and feel bad. Everyone gets a trophy just to show up. So now when they don't get what they want, they become snowflakes, unable to cope. They become "victims". Obama and Holder espoused  a continuing rhetoric that blacks were still oppressed, and cops were racists. They created the victim mentality in blacks, and drove home the blame racism rhetoric which has become a major go to excuse for failure, (Sikes in Broward) and a setback to race relations. So now when black kids whose SAT scores and high school training do not measure up, but they are admitted to top schools for "diversity", they struggle and fail, but they blame white racism instead of their own failure to work and study hard. They become "victims".
Teaching of history and civics was eliminated, as it got in the way of the progressive way of thinking. If students got to understand it was the heterosexual white men who revolted in 1776, who kept the union together and died by the hundreds of thousands to free the slaves, built the great economic power of America, built the cities, the railroads and industry, and sacrificed their lives to save the rest of the world in two World Wars, made us who we are, and why America is the greatest nation on earth, that reality takes away from the progressive mantra that the past is all bad white male dominated oppression. Teaching history would let kids realize that those same white males invented many wonderful things, built great institutions, and funded the schools that they now attend, where today the kids now claim they should not honor the men who created the school, instead of being thankful they get to attend. In short, if they taught history, the younger generation might realize the white guys did a lot of really good things that allows these kids to live well and be free, and have the opportunities others in the world do not have. It was the straight white guys who reestablished the current world order in 1945, and stopped the Soviets, which allowed the EU to rebuild, and to live in peace. Progressives can't allow that thinking because it undermines their entire rhetoric, therefore we have almost no history taught in schools. 
Power corrupts. Now the progressives (far left as opposed to Democratic moderates), are in power in many places.  That is why Trump got elected. The deplorables rose up and said  "enough". The revolt has begun. They said we are proud to be Americans and proud of our heritage, and the constitution as it was written. Proud to be heterosexual white men who use the men's room. We want America to be great again. We want a strong loudmouth who is not afraid to rip apart what has become the existing left wing power structure. Trump threatens everything the Progressives have power over. That is why they hate him with such passion. Progressives want to crush anyone who threatens their hold on power, and that even includes wanting to change the first amendment so that it would say they should be free FROM speech they do not want, and which might threaten their hold on power and thought. We are at real risk today of George Orwell coming alive. Facebook and Google feel free to control the main media source for the next generation Deans control what kids learn in college. Progressive principals control the lower schools curricula. The press feels free to slant reporting to fit their progressive views to influence public opinion. They attack Trump, not because he is all the crude things he is, but because he threatens their very hold on power. He uses the exact same methods as the icons of the left once did: Betty Freidan, Gloria Steinem, Jesse Jackson, Eugene McCarthy, Abbey Hoffman, and others. Loud and obnoxious. He has a bully pulpit, and the power of executive authority, and of appointment to challenge their power in ways that threaten their hold. He now controls the courts, which is the key to real power. The Kavanaugh hearings were not about the judge. They were really all about who is in power to control the next 20 years of jurisprudence. That is why holding the Senate with the power to appoint judges was so critical to the future of the nation, and why you see the fight for the senate seat in Florida. It is why Ginsberg refuses to retire, and her replacement hearings will make Kavanaugh look like a warm up. Who holds the real power for a generation or more is at stake.
I believe what we are now seeing is the updated version of an all-out fight for power in America. It is the natural pendulum law-at some point it swings the other way. Trump has set the swing in motion. It is 55 years since the first campus protests. It is now left wing Progressives vs millions of us deplorables who do not agree with them being in power. Many of us believe the individual is the owner and determiner of his own destiny for which he must take personal responsibility.  Progressives believe their group think is who controls the individual's life and destiny, and the successful should be taxed because they owe the less successful and less responsible ("victims"), a living. It is an epic battle for the cultural soul of America. The history of America for the next 50 years will depend on the outcome.
I realize I have condensed 90 years of American history into a few paragraphs, so I am not trying to be a perfect reporter of all that happened. Just an observer.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and be thankful our forefathers gave us the most exceptional nation in history. Try explaining that to your college age kids or grandkids.
Thanks to  Mac
Oh how I have also wanted to use these...
Subject: Politically Incorrect Performance Evaluation Comments
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse.* These are actual quotes taken from  employee performance evaluations.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When he*opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19.. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the otherone."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
22.* "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24.* "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink*from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
Thanks to Al
Monday Morning Humor--Christmas Is Coming
Advent  Virus  Warning

     Be on the alert for symptoms of hope, peace, joy and love. The hearts of a great many persons have already been exposed to the Advent virus, and it is possible that people everywhere could become contaminated. This could become an epidemic if not checked quickly.  It would pose a serious threat to what has, up to now, been a fairly stable condition of conflict and distrust in the church and world.

Some signs and symptoms of the Advent virus:
A tendency to think and act with others in mind
An unmistakable ability to enjoy the present moment
A loss of interest in judging or condemning other people
A loss of interest in conflict and arguing
A loss of the ability to worry (a very serious symptom!);
Frequent, inexplicable episodes of appreciation
Frequent feelings of connectedness with others
Frequent attacks of smiling and/or humming
An inexplicable sense of contentedness
A peculiar loss of self-centeredness
A tendency to let go of control and allow things to happen
A tendency to read the Bible and pray
An increasing susceptibility to friendliness in others, and
An uncontrollable urge to share it with others.
Be on the alert!  The Advent virus is highly contagious!  Some suggestions to avoid a download into your system (soul):
Stay away from people who believe in God;
Keep your mind closed to new spiritual messages;
Focus on your self-serving priorities;
Find excuses to avoid worship and praise of God;
Do not open messages that speak of
Pass this warning on immediately!  For many, it is already too late, and their systems have been wiped clean by it.


Submitted by Jerry Norris:

From the Desk of Santa Claus:
     I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve.  Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by  North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.  I now serve only certain areas of  Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.
     As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.  However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.  His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good 'ole boys and girls; however,  there are a few differences between us.
     Differences such as:
There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.  He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith & Wesson."
Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe.  He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer.  I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner & Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Johnson and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty"
"Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off".  Last I heard, it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters.
The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.  Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town."  This year songs such as Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack" will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South.
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus
Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209


Submitted by Marty Baugh:

Thought you might be interested in trying this fruitcake recipe:
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
1 gallon whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay.   Cry another tup.
Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt.  Or something.  Who cares?
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.  Spoon.  Of sugar or something.  Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?


Submitted by Pastor Beck:

     A father of three sons was dying and wanted to give to his three sons his inheritance of 17 horses.   He wrote,  "My oldest receives a half, my second receives a third, and my youngest receives a ninth."   The sons quarreled among each other because none of them could come out with the right amount since a half of a horse is a dead horse.   Soon the father died, and the quarreling increased. 
     A neighbor overheard the sons and offered, "here, take my only horse.  That'll bring your father's total number of horses to 18."    The sons refigured and came to the conclusion that the oldest could take home 9; the second, 6, and the youngest, 2. Then they added them up and . . . . yes, it comes to 17.   Then, the neighbor took his horse home.
     Sometimes to make Christmas come, we have to give up our only horse.

Submitted by Rob Hansen:

I Think Santa Claus is a Woman.
     I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it  all off!
     For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting  gifts until Christmas Eve.  Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to  find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the  shelves.  On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
     Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas  morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the  bag.
     Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there  would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on  to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck  season had been extended.  Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the  taxidermist.
     Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation  problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and  clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
     Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.  Men would feel  their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as  anything remotely resembling a "bowlfull of jelly." Men aren't interested in  stockings unless somebody's wearing them.  Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing  would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men:
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definitely a guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.


Submitted by Mark Logan:

     There are approximately two billion children (people under 18) in the world.  However, Since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces Santa's workload to about 15% of the total, or 378 million children (according to the population reference bureau).  At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.
     Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical) movement.  This works out to 967.7 visits per second.  This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney,
     Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.  This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound.  For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second.
     The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.  Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying more than 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself.  On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.  Even granting that "flying" reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with 8, or even 9, of them.  Santa would need 360,000 of them.  This increases the payload, not counting the weight   of  600,000 Tons, travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance.  This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.  The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of   energy per second each.  In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.  The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second,   or  Not that it matters, though, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 miles per second in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 G's.  A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to   the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
     Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.


Submitted by Keith Spreuer:

     One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.
     Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
     When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
     Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
     So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
     He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa mumbled on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
     The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
     And thus began the tradition of sticking the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Stay in the spirit of Christmas, that is more important than any gift.
Have a great week,

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