Once again,
The Washington Post has published
the winning submissions to its yearly
the winning submissions to its yearly
contest, in
which readers are asked to supply
alternative meanings for common words.
alternative meanings for common words.
The winners
are:
1.
Coffee
(N.), the
person upon whom one coughs.
2.
Flabbergasted
(adj.),
appalled over how much weight
you have gained.
3.
Abdicate
(V.), to
give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4.
Esplanade
(V.), to
attempt an explanation while drunk.
5.
Willy-nilly
(Adj.),
impotent.
6.
Negligent
(Adj.),
describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door
in your
nightgown.
7.
Lymph
(V.), to
walk with a lisp.
8.
Gargoyle
(N.),
olive-flavored mouthwash.
9.
Flatulence
(N.)
emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a
steamroller.
10.
Balderdash
(N.), a
rapidly receding hairline.
11.
Testicle
(N.), a
humorous question on an exam.
12.
Rectitude
(N.), the
formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13.
Pokemon
(N), a
Rastafarian proctologist.
14.
Oyster
(N.), a
person who sprinkles his
conversation with Yiddishisms.
15.
Frisbeetarianism
(N.), (back
by popular demand): The belief
that, when you die,
your Soul
flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16.
Circumvent
(N.), an
opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The
Washington Post's Style Invitational also
asked
readers to take any word from the
dictionary,
alter it by adding,
subtracting,
or changing one
letter, and
supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
Here are this year's winners:
1.
Bozone
(N.): The
substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little
sign of breaking down in the
near future.
2.
Foreploy
(V): Any
misrepresentation about
yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
3.
Cashtration
(N.): The
act of buying a house, which renders
the subject financially
impotent for
an indefinite period.
4.
Giraffiti
(N):
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5.
Sarchasm
(N): The
gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get
it.
6.
Inoculatte
(V): To take
coffee intravenously when
you are running late.
7.
Hipatitis
(N):
Terminal coolness.
8.
Osteopornosis
(N): A
degenerate disease.
(This one
got
extra
credit.)
9.
Karmageddon
(N): It's
like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,
right? And
then, like, the Earth explodes and
it's like, a serious bummer.
10.
Decafalon
(N.): The
grueling event of getting
through the
day consuming only things
that are
good for you.
11.
Glibido
(V): All
talk and no action.
12.
Dopeler
effect
(N): The
tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at
you rapidly.
13.
Arachnoleptic
fit
(N.): The
frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally
walked
through a spider web.
14.
Beelzebug
(N.): Satan
in the form of a mosquito
that gets
into your bedroom at three
in the
morning and cannot be cast out.
15.
Caterpallor
(N.): The
color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're
eating.
And the pick
of the literature:
16.
Ignoranus (N):
A person who's both stupid and an asshole
Ignoranus (N):
A person who's both stupid and an asshole
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