Wednesday, August 16, 2017

CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT

May A Weird Holy Man Light A Roman Candle In Your Pants"

 THE MAGNIFICENT COLLECTION







ANSWER: Nestea Plunge.
QUESTION: What does the president of Nestea use when his toilet is stopped up?





A: Peter Pan.
Q: What do you use to fry a peter?





A: Mount Baldy.
Q: How do you play piggyback with Telly Savales?





A: The ZIP Code.
Q: What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom?





A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?





A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
Q: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.





ED: Certainly worth waiting for...
A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.





A: "Coming home."
Q: If voters have their way, what message will Jimmy Carter be sending Georgia soon?





A: An unmarried woman.
Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?





A: Cyclone.
Q: What do call the clone of a guy named Cy?





A: "Hi diddly dee."
Q: How do you say "Good morning" to your diddly dee?





CARNAC: May a crazed weightlifter clean and jerk your sister





A: Henry R. Block.
Q: Name one guy who's rich after April 15th.





A: Rosy red cheeks.
Q: What do you get when you squat on a rosy red fire?





A: The Orient express.
Q: What is a drink made with soy sauce and prune juice?





A: Bible belt.
Q: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants?





A: Tail of Two Cities.
Q: What do you call a guy who streaks Minneapolis and St. Paul?





CARNAC: May a camel with a weak kidney condition find your hope chest.





A: Gatorade.
Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?





A: Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
Q: What's the best thing to do if you swallow a hand grenade?





A: Until he gets caught.
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?





A: Old wive's tale.
Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest?





A: Kumquat.
Q: What do you say when calling your quat?





CARNAC: May a bag of Pop Rocks explode in your shorts.





A: De-frost.
Q: On a cold morning, what forms on de-grass?





A: Head and shoulders.
Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?





A: High rollers.
Q: Describe a stoned bowling team.





A: Gunga din.
Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?





CARNAC: May a crazed Arab repairman board up your girlfriend.





A: A full moon
Q: What would you see if Orson Welles dropped his pants?





A: Crabgrass.
Q: What do crabs get high on?





CARNAC: May the winds of the Sahara blow a desert scorpion up your turban.





A: "Follow the yellow brick road."
Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office?





A: At both ends.
Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?





A: Igloo.
Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?





A: 20,000 Leagues Beneath the Sea.
Q: Where is the American dollar headed?





A: Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.
Q: What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?





A: Fondue.
Q: What do you get on your fon if you leave it out all night?





A: Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious and detente.
Q: Name two words that have no meaning.





A: Executive action.
Q: What does a president look for in a singles bar?





A: The Laughing Policeman.
Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?





A: Dustin Hoffman.
Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.





CARNAC: May the swami of Bagdad squat on your fez.





A: Eleven.
Q: What is the total of Bo Derek and Phyllis Diller?





A: Trapper John.
Q: What do you call an outhouse built on quicksand?





A: Mr. Coffee.
Q: Name the father of Mrs. Olsen's illegitamate baby.





A: Superbowl.
Q: What would you find in Superman's bathroom?





A: Plumber's helper.
Q: What do you need after Hamburger Helper?





A: Milk and honey.
Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?





CARNAC: May you fall asleep under a camel with post nasal drip.





A: Supervisor.
Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?





A: Lo-fat.
Q: Name a Chinese diet doctor.





A: Rub-a-dub-dub.
Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?





A: Black feet.
Q: What have the oil companies given our wildlife?





CARNAC: May a weird doctor join you at the hump of a camel.





A: Zippo Marx.
Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo?





A: Touchback.
Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?





A: O'Hare.
Q: How does Howard Cosell call his toupee? "Oh, hair..."





A: Over 15 billion served.
Q: What will be written on the Happy Hooker's tombstone?





A: Kitchy-kitchy-koo.
Q: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy-Kitchy?





A: Flyswatter.
Q: What do you call a sadistic tailor?





CARNAC: May a swarm of gay chiggers open a disco on your grandfather.





A: Lorne Green.
Q: What happens when your lorne rots?





A: Ironware.
Q: Describe Raymond Burr's undershorts.





A: Hickory Dickory Dock.
Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?





A: The big ten.
Q: Describe the five finalists in the Miss Universe contest.





A: Disjoint.
Q: What was dat hippie smoking?





CARNAC: May your desert pension fund be managed by Jimmy Hoffa.





A: "Rose Bowl."
Q: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley?





A: Sanford and Son and Ed McMahon.
Q: Name three people who sell a lot of junk.





A: David Frost.
Q: On a cold morning what forms on your david?





A: That darn cat.
Q: Who ruined that darn rug?





CARNAC: May an untouchable take a liking to your only sister.





A: SAG Strike.
Q: What do you call it when old topless dancers refuse to work?





A: A man with a mistress and a Russian Olympics judge.
Q: Describe two people who like to cheat.





A: Damnation Alley.
Q: What do they call the entrance to "The Gong Show"?





A: All the President's men.
Q: Who won't be let out to see the picture?





A: Madame Kitty.
Q: Where does Morris the Cat go when he's lonely?





A: Mop and Glow.
Q: Which floor wax was used by the Three Mile Island cleanup team?





A: Bi-focal.
Q: Name a focal that goes both ways.





A: Skalliwags.
Q: What does your skalli do when it's happy?





CARNAC: May a weird customs inspector discover a secret compartment in your sister.





A: The American people.
Q: Name the loser in the 1976 presidential race.





A: "I never promised you a rose garden."
Q: What's the only thing President Carter didn't promise us?





A: Quarter Pounder.
Q: What did Jimmy Carter's mother call his first baby tooth?





A: "Sorry bub, no pub."
Q: What does President Carter say to Billy on Air Force One?





CARNAC: May your only son become a Pointer Sister.





A: Grape Nuts.
Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?





A: The American condor, the American eagle and the American car industry.
Q: Name three things on the endangered species list.





ED: I liked that but I seem to be the only one.





A: Snap, crackle, pop.
Q: What noise does Mr. McMahon's liver make?





A: Shake-N-Bake.
Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.





A: A mule, a horse, Billy Carter.
Q: Name three things that go to the bathroom outdoors.





A: Hog jowls, chitlins, black-eyed peas, cornpone, hush puppies and red-eye gravy.
Q: What does Billy Carter eat on a sesame-seed bun?





A: Shareholder.
Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?





CARNAC: May a camel chip float in your martini.





A: "Gung Ho!"
Q: What do you say when you want to get your Gung to stop?





A: Timbuktoo.
Q: What comes after Timbuk-one?





A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
Q: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"?





A: Jello and "Charlie's Angels."
Q: What looks delicious, quivers all over and can't talk?





CARNAC: May you be forced to visit a near-sighted proctologist.





A: Los Angeles Dodgers.
Q: Who was just arrested for impersonating a baseball team?





A: "The Dumplings."
Q: What do you call tiny little dumps?





A: Double hernia.
Q: What do you see if you hold your hernia up to a mirror?





A: Blazing Saddles.
Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?





CARNAC: May a crazed sultan force you into mouth-to-mouth resuscitation with a sick lizard.





A: Evon Guligan.
Q: Describe the sound you make when you break loose from a plunger.





A: Sueeee, sueeee.
Q: What do you do if a Chinese laundry ruins your shirts?





A: The Rock of Gibralter.
Q: What's the one thing Sammy Davis is not wearing around his neck?





A: Baja.
Q: What noise do sheep make when they laugh?





A: KKK, IRS, UCLA.
Q: How do you spell kkkirsucla?





A: Rough cut.
Q: When you do get from a near-sighted rabbi?





CARNAC: May a carsick mongoose change the color of your seats.





A: Ninety-nine and nine-tenths.
Q: What price will gas be if it's under a dollar?





A: Once is not enough.
Q: What's the major cause of divorce?





A: The Loch Ness Monster.
Q: Who will they find sooner than Jimmy Hoffa?





CARNAC: May an evil genie put splinters in your Aurora tissue.





A: Beethoven's Fifth.
Q: What made Ludwig blind as well as deaf?





A. Whacka-doo, whacka-doo, whacka-doo.
Q. What do you look for when you're tracking three whackas?





A: Around the world in 80 days.
Q: Where does the line go outside an unemployment office?





A: E.S.T., P.M. and B.M.
Q: Name three movements





A: "Leave it to Beaver."
Q: What did the dead raccoon say in his will?





A: Keep your eyes on your prize.
Q: What's good advice to give a Japanese tailor?





CARNAC: May a diseased yak squat in your hot tub.





A: The diamond lane.
Q: What does Zsa Zsa Gabor call the center of a church?





A: Jaques Cousteau.
Q: Who's the new traffic advisor to Los Angeles?





ED: What with all the rain, I guess...





A: A nine foot base with two feet of powder.
Q: Describe Mick Jagger's nose.





CARNAC: May a crazed furniture refinisher stain your sister's hope chest.





A: 13 Queens Boulevard.
Q: Name an address Anita Bryant will never have.





A: WKRP In Cincinnati.
Q: Where will the president of NBC be working soon?





A: 60 Minutes.
Q: How much time has Governor Brown spent in California this year?





A: The eye of a frog, the wing of a fly and the throat of a lizard.
Q: Name the only three things you can afford to eat nowadays.





A: Fun with Dick and Jane.
Q: What do you see in the next car at a drive-in movie?





A: Roots.
Q: What is it that Ronald Reagan keeps trying to hide?





A: Kris Kristofferson
Q: Name a Kristofferson.





CARNAC: May Dr. J slam dunk your cat.





A: "The Front."
Q: What does it say on the side of Phyllis Diller's dress?





A: Sex.
Q: What would you keep if you had to choose between sex and violence?





A: The Sugarland Express.
Q: What do you call Hershey's Prune Kisses?





A: The Newlywed Game.
Q: Where won't you see Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor?





A: Putting on the dog.
Q: What do you call dressing up as a tree?





CARNAC: May a weird holy man light a Roman candle in your pants.





A: Stick 'em up!
Q: What should the oil companies' new slogan be?





A: Pot luck.
Q: What do you call not getting busted?





A: Burn the candle at both ends.
Q: What does a stupid altar boy do?





A: "Yes man."
Q: What should you answer to everything George Foreman says?





A: Touch and Go.
Q: What's the name of a drive-in massage parlor?





A: 2001.
Q: How many hospitals has Evil Knievel been in?





CARNAC: May your wife give mouth-to-mouth resusitation to the Denver Nuggets.





A: Rocky, Network and The Silver Streak.
Q: Name two movies and a suppository.





A: Fort Knox.
Q: Where do supermarkets store their meat?





A: Shake and bake.
Q: What does the Galloping Gourmet do during an earthquake?





A: General Curtis LeMay, the Red Baron and Carnac.
Q: Name three people who like to bomb.





A: 2001.
Q: When is the next RTD bus scheduled to arrive?





A: "Small craft warning!"
Q: What does the Tidy Bowl man yell when he hears flushing?





A: Fists of fury and five fingers of death.
Q: What will you get if you ignore a trucker's blockade?





A: Sale of the Century.
Q: Describe the Nixon income tax deductions.





A: Chariots of the Gods.
Q: What are the only things that can move on Sundays?





A: Kaiser wrap.
Q: What do you call getting slapped around by a German king?





CARNAC: May a diseased yak drop his cud in your hooped skirt.





A: Ultra-conservative.
Q: What's an Orange County toothpaste?





A: Roman Gabriel, Lance Ramsell and Howrd Cosell
Q: Name two rams and a goat.





A: Bedbug.
Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?





A: Lady-in-waiting.
Q: Describe Mrs. Stillman on a bus that doesn't make rest stops.





A: Unleash.
Q: What do you call a drink made with un-cola and prune juice?





A: Natural gas.
Q: What did Yul Givens give after eating a prune tree?





CARNAC: May a weird holy man use a Black and Decker tool on your only sister.





A: Kaleidoscope.
Q: What instrument does a doctor use to examine your kaleido?





A: Ransack.
Q: What's a drink made with dry sack and prune juice?





A: A thousand clowns.
Q: Who are the candidates for mayor of Los Angeles?





A: Last Tango in Paris.
Q: What do you call a French drink made with champagne and prune juice?





A: Pussy Willow.
Q: How do you introduce your cat to a weeping willow?





A: Jaws 2 and Capricorn One.
Q: What was the final score of the Jaws-Capricorn game?





A: Buddy Holly.
Q: What kind of holly would you find growing on your buddy?





A: England, France and Greece.
Q: Name two countries and a luncheon special at the NBC Commissary.





A: Earth, Wind and Fire.
Q: What do you get from eating in the NBC Commissary?





A: You asked for it.
Q: How do you get it?





A: Cheetah, Leon Spinks and the American taxpayer.
Q: Name a chimp, a champ and a chump.





A: Pat and Debby Boone.
Q: Name the only two people who aren't sick of hearing "You Light Up My Life."





A: Children under 16 not admitted unless accompanied by parents.
Q: What sign did Queen Elizabeth hang on Princess Margaret's door?





CARNAC: May an unclean yak have an accident on your toupee.





A: Pillbury cooking contest, a spasm of the diaphragm and the memoirs of Richard Nixon.
Q: Name a bake-off, a hiccough and a ripoff.





A: A broken water pipe, Telly Savalas and Chuck Barris.
Q: Name a leak, a Greek and a freak.





A: 50 miles per hour.
Q: What should be posted on Howard Cosell's tongue?





A: 2001.
Q: How many football games were televised over Thanksgiving?





A: Never on Sunday.
Q: When should you plan on making a rest stop at a gas station?





A: The 11th Hour.
Q: When will you get to work going 55 miles an hour?





A: Rat pack.
Q: What do you call an agreement with Don Rickles?





A: The four musketeers.
Q: How would a wino see the three musketeers.





CARNAC: May your favorite aunt develop a crust on her hip.





A: Fit to be tied.
Q: What is a mother of 27 children?





A: Revenge of the Pink Panther.
Q: How did Marlon Perkins explain the rash on his thigh?





A: Double trouble.
Q: What's the name of a drink made with beer and prune juice?





A: Sir Lawrence Olivier, the Oscars and the oil shortage.
Q: Name a lord, an award and a fraud.





A: Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates' campaign promises.
Q: Name a clock, a jock and a crock.





A: Bambi, the White House grounds and the new TV season.
Q: Name a fawn, a lawn and a yawn.





A: A potato, Burt Reynolds and Sgt. Shriver.
Q: Name a spud, a stud and a dud.





A: Elmer, Roger and Billy Carter.
Q: Name a Fudd, a Mudd and a dud.





A: An emerald, a screwdriver, and Chuck Barris.
Q: Name a jewel, a tool and a fool.





A: Planter's Punch.
Q: What do you call getting hit with a fistfull of peanuts





CARNAC: May a weird holy man drop a cactus down your shorts.





A: Groundhog.
Q: What's in Jimmy Dean's sausages?





A: Pipe dream.
Q: What does the Tidy Bowl man have when he sleeps?





A: Green thumb.
Q: What does the Jolly Green Giant use to hitchike with?





CARNAC: May a desert rat sunbathe on your radar range.





A: The CIA.
Q: Where should you address all your mail?





A: "Breaking Away" and "Here's Boomer."
Q: What are two bad names for a laxative?





A: "Here's Boomer."
Q: What's a rude thing to say when you're dropping a bomb on a country?





A: Short eyes.
Q: What do you get when you put Preperation H in your Murine?





A: "Oh God!"
Q: What do people always say when Howard Cosell is on?





A: Sha-na-na.
Q: How do you tell a Sha not to do something?





A: Eight is enough.
Q: Who old do you have to be to date Princess Margaret?





ED: And now I hold in my hand the last envelope. [applause]





CARNAC: May the Shah of Iran seek refuge under your sister's hooped skirt.





A: Kirk Douglas, Terhan Bey and Earl Butz.
Q: Name a Kirk, a Turk and a jerk.





These jokes aren't mine, copyright on them is held by the folks who ran "The Tonight Show" in the 70's.





MORE OF THE BEST OF CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT





ANSWER: Gatorade.
QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare?





A: Bible belt.
Q: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants?





A: Milk and honey.
Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?





A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
Q: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.





A: Ben Gay.
Q: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?





A: An unmarried woman.
Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?





A: Disjoint.
Q: What was dat hippie smoking?





A: Until he gets caught.
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?





A: Old wives tale.
Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest?





A: Shareholder.
Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?





A: Skalliwags.
Q: What does your skalli do when it's happy?





A: Head and shoulders.
Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?





A: "Rose Bowl."
Q: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley?





A: High rollers.
Q: Describe a stoned bowling team.





A: "Follow the yellow brick road."
Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office?





A: At both ends.
Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?





A: Igloo.
Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?





A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
Q: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"?





A: Grape Nuts.
Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?





A: Supervisor.
Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?





A: Crabgrass.
Q: What do crabs get high on?





A: Shake-N-Bake.
Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.





A: Blazing Saddles.
Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?





A: Flypaper.
Q: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?





A: Deep freeze.
Q: Name an Eskimo porno film.





A: Bedbug.
Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?





BEST FOR LAST!!:





A: Sissss, Boooom, Baaaaah!
B. Describe the sound you hear when a sheep blows up!!
A Wei

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