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Thursday, June 15, 2017

Jack Blanchard's Column - June 6, 2017



   Thousands of intelligent good-looking readers.
"BACK IN MY DAY"
 By Uncle Goopy.

You kids are a bunch of sissies.
Back in my day we didn’t have hurricanes.
We just had storms called “What the hell was that?!”

Our houses didn’t blow apart.
They were held together by mold, mildew, and asbestos.
And we LOVED it!

We never wore helmets when we rode our bicycles,
and our bikes were seven feet high and made out of lead.
We fell directly on our heads and were damn proud of it!

You young folks have to wear a helmet when you eat peanuts.

We didn't have rocks.
We had to take the laundry down to the creek
and beat it against our heads.

We couldn't afford shoes.
In the winter we wrapped our feet in barbed wire for traction.

When I was a kid we ate nothing but gluten.
Fried gluten, baked or boiled gluten.
At breakfast we all said, "Gluten morgen!"
My dad thought we were German.”

We didn’t have sex back then. We had neckin’.
If we did have sex, they’d have told me.

My Aunt Maude could jump three feet straight up in the air,
without bending her knees.
You don’t see talent like that these days.

So, eat a peanut,
sniff some mold,
take off your knee pads,
and wear a lead watch.
You’ll LOVE it!

I hope I can get this childproof cap off my Viagra.

Love,
Uncle Goopy.

Jack Blanchard


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© Jack Blanchard, 2017.